Happy Halloween - A Conversation Starter

Happy Halloween y'all!

What's everyone doing to celebrate?

My Halloween plans:

*work

*7 mile run this evening

*hit up Santa Monica Blvd to enjoy some quality people watching

*eat candy periodically throughout the day

What's crazy though is that I still don't have a costume!

I always have a costume. 

Here's a list of some of my previous ensembles:

When I was teeny tiny I dressed up as a black cat, a kitty princess, Minnie mMouse, a dalmatian, an alien, a '50s chick, and Pippi Longstockings. Unfortunately, all these photos are at my parents house so I can't provide any evidence.

In high school I was Bam Bam one year (my BFF was a sumo wrestler - basically the best thing ever - her costume kept deflating), a devil, and I think I was a cat again? 

This isn't from Halloween, but it's pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself.

The aforementioned costumes are from a simpler, more innocent time. As I got older...well, don't judge me. I'll give you my full opinion after you see the photos.

My first year of college, my girlfriends and I went as neon tigers:

Then I went as a bunny...

I was Janet from Rocky Horror one year (I'm not posting any of those photos because, well, I was only wearing underwear).

Last Halloween I was Emma Frost from X-Men.

Notice a trend?

Yes, I'm one of the many young women that has bought into the overtly sexy Halloween costume trend. Granted, these photos aren't as provocative as they could be, but they're certainly not trying to be creative or clever...

Wearing these costumes, I always knew there was something that made me feel not-quite-right about it, but I'd tell myself, "It's Halloween! Embrace your sexuality! Just do it! Boobs! Butt! Sexy!"

And trust me, I'm all for embracing your sexuality. I adore my sexy side and I love to flaunt it (sometimes maybe a little too much). It's so important to understand and be proud of that side of ourselves. But I've begun to realize that these sort of costumes - and at times, the clothes I wear on a daily basis - aren't sending the right message (to others and to myself).

I hate to admit it, but appearing sexy and desirable has played a huge role in my life. For too many years, I've placed my self-worth on my appearance and on whether or not men found me attractive. Obviously, Halloween isn't the root cause of this, but it's a great diving board for broaching the subject. 

After all, I didn't dress up as a sexy leopard or hotttt bunny for my own benefit - I dressed that way to get attention. I didn't wear lingerie as Janet because it made me feel empowered as a woman - it made me feel like the male species would find me f-able.

Yuck. Just writing that gives me the ooky shivers.

But I want to be honest about it, because I think it's something almost all women deal with. We're constantly reminded of the appearance-driven molds we're meant to fit into - skinny, tan, perfectly proportioned, blah blah blah. None of this is anything new - we've been receiving and trying to deal with these stereotypes for years. And we buy into it - at least I did (and still do).

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I associated my value with how I looked. Not the fact that I'm funny, a writer, or a great runner. Not the fact that I'm outgoing, loving, and unique.

I convinced myself that the only things that mattered were how flat my stomach appeared, how good my clothes made my butt look, and how other people perceived me physically.

So, dressing up skanky for Halloween was a no-brainer.

I remember my mum would give me costume ideas that were actually clever and still cute. I routinely ignored her suggestions and donned as little clothing as possible.

But in the past half-year or so, I've begun to reevaluate my priorities. I've begun to understand that my negative obsession with sexuality - and my unhealthy relationship with my appearance - have deeply affected my life - and gotten me into some seriously dangerous situations.

I've begun to explore why I feel the way I do in relation to these issues, and the results have been life-changing. It hasn't been easy, but I finally feel like I'm shedding my insecurities and accepting (happily) that there's more to me than my sexuality.

I've had amazing support from my boyfriend, friends and family throughout this journey, and I plan on continuing to write about it.

I do think that the reason I've had such difficulty coming up with a costume this year is that I'm scared. The idea of dressing up as a sexy anything gives me very conflicted emotions. There's a part of me that wants to wear sweatpants and a tee-shirt or something totally ridiculous. Then there's that part of me that insists I put on a black corset, heels, and a pair of animal ears - just one last time. I think I need to find the happy medium - something that makes me feel good about myself, but in a healthy way.

So that's my goal for tonight - I'll let you know what happens!

Have a wonderful, safe Halloween and, no matter your costume, make sure it makes YOU feel confident. 

Thanks for reading, I honestly didn't begin this post today with the intention of writing all this. It just sort of happened. But I'm so thankful for everyone who stops by and reads about my crazy life :)

XOXO!